As I write this, I am thrilled that there is a tiny precious little baby swimming around in my belly, even writing that alone makes me smile. Yes, we’re having a baby! And although it has been pretty speedy, (not quite a honeymoon baby but almost!) I am so thankful, it’s such a blessing to be able to carry a baby and although it comes with a gazillion new experiences, worries, fears and doubts, I couldn’t be happier. For me, despite being a young, healthy woman, I had always thought that conceiving a child would be something I would need to really pray and believe God for and that’s because years ago I was diagnosed with a condition called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). This is going to be a bit of a long one, so sit tight & enjoy!
For over 5 years, I have dealt with a health problem called PCOS, which basically affects how my little ovaries work; firstly because there’s cysts on them (& lots of them according to my past ultrasounds) and although because it means my ovaries don’t regularly release eggs. One of the main things a doctor will tell you is that PCOS can cause problems with getting pregnant. Now bear in mind, I’ve known this for years! At first I really didn’t care because I was a teenager and babies seemed far off in the distance, and then secondly, I really felt that God had told me I would one day “be a mother to many”, whether that’s metaphorical or what hey! It put me at peace and I went through most of my teenage years with really irregular periods, I didn’t mind that at all, in a lot of ways I preferred it & my friends envied me ha!
About 2 years ago, I began to purposely lose weight, this came with a whole load of comments and opinions, but I went from a size 14 to a size 8/10, healthily; exercising regularly and eating good stuff! See what people didn’t know when they were throwing comments at me like “oh you’re getting too skinny” “stop now you’re too thin” was 1. that I was still a healthy weight for my height and 2. losing weight was really beneficial to dealing with PCOS. For the first time in years, my periods regulating again and I was ovulating once a month. Waheyyy! Take that you anti-weight loss people! However, I was still honest with my now husband and told him I would probably have problems trying to conceive. He was absolutely fine with this but I began to get educated with things to improve fertility, I even knew what medication I would have to go on and what it would do to help. I was hopeful, but trying to be realistic so I wasn’t disappointed.
Lets skip forward to October 2014, a few months into marriage and my tiny size 8 body was now a fuller size 10, nothing to worry about at all until the day came when I missed a period. I remember feeling super paranoid & obviously the first thing which I did was buy a pregnancy test. Imagine the disappointment when it read negative; not only was I not pregnant, but I had gained weight which meant my periods were messing up again and so my fertility was probably going to be even worse. 😦 Five days later, still not convinced, I did another test which also read negative. It was really disappointing, partly because being pregnant would’ve been so wonderful, and partly because a negative result meant so many other things to me.
In November 2014, I began to feel really strange. My body would shut down at times with serious fatigue, I was pretty much bed-bound for weeks and emotionally it was unbearable; I felt numb at times, it was like a glimpse into living with depression. Not to go off on a tangent into this too much; I’ll summarise by saying that month in November was by far the toughest month of my life, it was horrible in more ways that I can even begin to describe on a blog & the fact that it was random and didn’t seem to have any real cause made it ten times worse. One of the first days of December, I took a walk to the library to try and occupy myself, my mind drifted toward doing another pregnancy test but I felt this time like I was actually being paranoid, and just looking for a hope or reason why my period hadn’t come (I had now missed two months and it made me worry even more!). I bought the cheapest test from Superdrug, not wanting to waste money, and popped it into my bag. Later when I got home, I took the test, so expectant it to be negative that when it appeared with two lines (which actually means positive) I put it down on the side, assuming the two lines meant negative. I wasn’t even disappointed this time, I’d expected it. However after a minute or so, I glanced back at the test and the sheet of paper underneath it directly read that the two lines meant positive. It was the weirdest moment of my life! Everything went all weird and slow motion-ey and I called my husband to break the crazy news! Imagine how he felt, he had just left work and then gets this random call, he had no idea I was even going to do a test.
Knowing about the apparent fertility problems, I was so convinced it wasn’t real, I made him buy two more tests and it wasn’t until these also read positive I thought maybe. I’d love to say from that point I was ecstatic and everything was wonderful, but to be honest, I was filled with even more worry. The statistics for miscarriages in women with PCOS are ridiculous! I read 40-50% of PCOS sufferers miscarry within the first 12 weeks, so although I was thrilled, I was also feeling so paranoid, and would pray and pray and pray that this little life would be okay inside my complicated womb.
Sitting here writing this at almost 21 weeks, with a huge belly, I am still in awe that God would have chosen me to be a mother to this precious baby. That despite all the statistics, diagnoses and expectations, I so easily and quickly fell pregnant. Maybe too easily and quickly? But God has a sense of humour I’m sure. Do we have it all together? Of course not. It saddens me that anyone would even assume that from a blog, we are still getting used to one another, falling in love every day, putting our money together to make things happen and now we’ve got a baby on the way! It’s crazy but a beautiful adventure.
In some ways we still feel so young, like teenage parents who still want to do so much with our own lives but the excitement to be able to share it all with our third musketeer is beyond description & I wouldn’t have it any other way! 🙂